This post was taken from another source ... 3rd Degree Parenting
I am reposting it here because I think it is an excellent reference for adoptive families. Read on:
By Claudia
October 6, 2009
In retrospect, I have one major regret in my earlier parenting. For the first two placements of older children, I focused on behavior -- attempting to modify it, change it, fix it -- instead of attachment. And the results have been less than satisfactory.
When these particular boys moved into my home my immediate reaction was, "Oh My Goodness!!!! i have so much work to do to prepare them for adulthood." I needed to get busy and fast because their behaviors were completely unacceptable.
Imagine if this was the approach of someone who had begun to get to know a person they thought they wanted to marry. What if on the first date, a woman said, "Welcome to my life. I can see right now that your table manners aren't appropriate, so let's begin working on that right now. Let me show you how to hold a fork." How long would the relationship last? It would die before it began.
Since my first placements I have learned that my first task should be to be the kind of person my child can fall in love with. I need to do and say things that will make them feel good about me. When they do make a mistake, or break a rule, I need to remind them lovingly that this is not how we do things, but that I am still committed to them and love them unconditionally.
This is one of the most important things I have learned as a parent who adopted older children: No child is going to attempt to please or obey an adult to whom they are not attached. When I was growing up, I didn't want to disappoint my mom and dad. I wanted to please them. This was because of our relationship which was healthy, attached, and foundational.
Demanding that children obey us while they are basically still strangers simply because someone has told them that they have a new parent is downright ridiculous. And yet I did it and many parents do. The focus is all on behavior and the child or teen moves in thinking "wow, did I end up with a witch for a mom."
A couple things about behaviors: First, some of them never go away. Mental illness or organic brain damage due to prenatal exposure to alcohol will not go away just because a child is placed in a loving home. And secondly, they'll be around later and you can deal with them then.
When I was a college administrator responsible for discipline I learned the concept, "Get them to respect you first, and later worry about them liking you." I took this principal into adoption and parenting and it ABSOLUTELY DID NOT WORK. Some of the kids never really came to love me as their mom and respect never came either.
Focus that first year on getting the kid to fall in love with you. If you do, you can worry about behavior. I'm not saying to ignore rule violations, but under-react. Keep the focus on the child, on attachment, on learning to understand your child and years down the road you'll be much farther ahead than those who started tackling behavior the day the kids moved it.
The voice of wistful experience, combined with regret, has spoken.
From 3rd Degree Parenting
Monday, February 7, 2011
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Time to Worship
This video is from Woliso, Ethiopia at Emmanuel Orphanage where my son Gezaw was living for over a year until he came home to be with our family. Just thought I'd share. This is church, and they are singing about Yesus. Love it!
Monday, January 31, 2011
Matching Grant Update - Only $216.09 Short
Thank you to those who recently sent us a donation towards our Adoption!
As you know we are in the fundraising stages of our next Adoption, of 2-3 Orphans from Ethiopia, Africa. A while back we were offered a $3000 matching grant during our Both Hands Project from Lifesong for Orphans. So far, we have raised $2,783.91. Praise God! Again, thank you so much, to all who have already contributed.
We are still $216.09 short of reaching our goal for the full $3000 grant. So close ... yet so far!
If you haven't already, would you please consider making a generous donation, or ANY donation, to our Both Hands/Lifesong for Orphans account? It's tax-deductable and you would be following James 1:27:
"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress ..."
In order to make a donation, please go to:
http://www.lifesongfororphans.org/bhProjComp.html
and scroll down to 11/06/10 - Charles & Bonnie Schilling
and click on DONATE.
Thank you SO much!
Love & Blessings
As you know we are in the fundraising stages of our next Adoption, of 2-3 Orphans from Ethiopia, Africa. A while back we were offered a $3000 matching grant during our Both Hands Project from Lifesong for Orphans. So far, we have raised $2,783.91. Praise God! Again, thank you so much, to all who have already contributed.
We are still $216.09 short of reaching our goal for the full $3000 grant. So close ... yet so far!
If you haven't already, would you please consider making a generous donation, or ANY donation, to our Both Hands/Lifesong for Orphans account? It's tax-deductable and you would be following James 1:27:
"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress ..."
In order to make a donation, please go to:
http://www.lifesongfororphans.org/bhProjComp.html
and scroll down to 11/06/10 - Charles & Bonnie Schilling
and click on DONATE.
Thank you SO much!
Love & Blessings
Thursday, January 27, 2011
I'll Follow You
Another video and song that has touched my heart.
I'll follow you into the homes of the broken ...
Follow You into the world.
I'll meet the needs of the poor and the needy, God.
I'll follow You into the world.
I'll follow you into the homes of the broken ...
Follow You into the world.
I'll meet the needs of the poor and the needy, God.
I'll follow You into the world.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
"What Made You Choose Ethiopia?"
I had someone else ask me today, in a dry, tone of voice ... "What made you choose Ethiopia?" (What she really meant was, why didn't we adopt from the United States.)
There was this long silence as my mind raced through all the thousands of reasons why ... Ethiopia.
The question really should have been "WHO made you choose Ethiopia?" I did not choose Ethiopia. The Lord did.
We were thinking Domestic Adoption, but the Lord said, "What about Ethiopia?"
Then we were thinking, Nicaragua, but the Lord said, "What about Ethiopia?"
Then we thought, anywhere in Latin America, but the Lord said, "What about Ethiopia?"
So finally, as every other door quietly closed, we turned around and saw the doors for Ethiopia opened wide before us. "Then you will hear a voice behind you saying, 'This is the way ... walk in it.'" So we did.
And now, my heart burns for the Orphans in Ethiopia and other countries in Africa. I have been ruined. I saw where they live, what they have and don't have, I feel the burden for them. I carry it in my heart.
So then this same person asked, "When will you know that you have enough children in your family?" I wanted to slap her. I wondered about the motive of this question, in this nation of house, 2 cars, 2.5 children and a dog.
And I said, "I thought with this last adoption that we had enough, but the Lord keeps telling us there are more out there, so after we bring these next ones home ... I guess we will see what the Lord has to say."
I then asked her if she had ever been out of this country. She had not.
We live in such an abundant of blessing. It's all around us. We have SO MUCH STUFF that we have to rent storage units to put it all in. We have 2 or 3 car garages, (well actually we don't) that are bigger than 2 or 3 whole houses in many other countries.
So "Why Ethiopia?" Because we told the Lord a while back, "My life is yours. Do what you will. I will follow You." And we meant it.
We followed Jesus to Ethiopia.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I found this video today from another family who are in the process of adopting a child from Ethiopia. Take a look ... it may help answer the question, "Why Ethiopia?"
There was this long silence as my mind raced through all the thousands of reasons why ... Ethiopia.
The question really should have been "WHO made you choose Ethiopia?" I did not choose Ethiopia. The Lord did.
We were thinking Domestic Adoption, but the Lord said, "What about Ethiopia?"
Then we were thinking, Nicaragua, but the Lord said, "What about Ethiopia?"
Then we thought, anywhere in Latin America, but the Lord said, "What about Ethiopia?"
So finally, as every other door quietly closed, we turned around and saw the doors for Ethiopia opened wide before us. "Then you will hear a voice behind you saying, 'This is the way ... walk in it.'" So we did.
And now, my heart burns for the Orphans in Ethiopia and other countries in Africa. I have been ruined. I saw where they live, what they have and don't have, I feel the burden for them. I carry it in my heart.
So then this same person asked, "When will you know that you have enough children in your family?" I wanted to slap her. I wondered about the motive of this question, in this nation of house, 2 cars, 2.5 children and a dog.
And I said, "I thought with this last adoption that we had enough, but the Lord keeps telling us there are more out there, so after we bring these next ones home ... I guess we will see what the Lord has to say."
I then asked her if she had ever been out of this country. She had not.
We live in such an abundant of blessing. It's all around us. We have SO MUCH STUFF that we have to rent storage units to put it all in. We have 2 or 3 car garages, (well actually we don't) that are bigger than 2 or 3 whole houses in many other countries.
So "Why Ethiopia?" Because we told the Lord a while back, "My life is yours. Do what you will. I will follow You." And we meant it.
We followed Jesus to Ethiopia.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I found this video today from another family who are in the process of adopting a child from Ethiopia. Take a look ... it may help answer the question, "Why Ethiopia?"
Saturday, January 22, 2011
$3000 Matching Grant . . . Can you Help?
Dear Friends and Family,
As you know we are in the Fundraising stages of our next Adoption, of 2-3 Orphans from Ethiopia, Africa. A while back we were offered a $3000 matching grant during our Both Hands Project. So far, we have raised $2540.44 ! Praise God! Thank you so much, to all who have already contributed!
But, we are still $459.56 short of reaching our goal for the full $3000 grant. So close ... yet so far!
If you haven't already, would you please consider making a generous donation, or ANY donation, to our Both Hands/Lifesong for Orphans account? It's tax-deductable and you would be following James 1:27:
"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress ..."
In order to make a donation, please go to:
http://www.lifesongfororphans.org/bhProjComp.html
and scroll down to 11/06/10 Charles & Bonnie Schilling
and click on Donate.
Thank you SO much!
Love & Blessings
As you know we are in the Fundraising stages of our next Adoption, of 2-3 Orphans from Ethiopia, Africa. A while back we were offered a $3000 matching grant during our Both Hands Project. So far, we have raised $2540.44 ! Praise God! Thank you so much, to all who have already contributed!
But, we are still $459.56 short of reaching our goal for the full $3000 grant. So close ... yet so far!
If you haven't already, would you please consider making a generous donation, or ANY donation, to our Both Hands/Lifesong for Orphans account? It's tax-deductable and you would be following James 1:27:
"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress ..."
In order to make a donation, please go to:
http://www.lifesongfororphans.org/bhProjComp.html
and scroll down to 11/06/10 Charles & Bonnie Schilling
and click on Donate.
Thank you SO much!
Love & Blessings
Friday, January 21, 2011
The Least of These . . .
I am feeling bothered tonight ... there is a burning deep inside my heart. These scriptures, and what they say ... what about the orphans? Why are there so many ... still? Why does there seem to be so few who are "called" to adopt. Isn't it a calling for all of us to care for the least of these? And if not to adopt them ... to do SOMETHING? Check this out from God's Word ....
James 1:27
Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.
What part of this scripture don't we Christians understand? It says if we call ourselves Christians we should be taking care of orphans and widows ... it's right out there, in black and white, no hidden meanings. But how many of us do?
How about this one ....
Matthew 25:31-46
“When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his glorious throne. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.
“Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’
“Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’
“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’
“Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’
“They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’
“He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’
“Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.”
This is scarey stuff. But I didn't say it ... God did. Why then, does there seem to be only a few families scattered here and there who have a heart for the orphan? And when we talk to other Christians, most folks, their eyes just glaze over .... like we are speaking a different language .... they don't get it ... They are thinking about where to go out to lunch after church.
My heart is heavy ....
James 1:27
Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.
What part of this scripture don't we Christians understand? It says if we call ourselves Christians we should be taking care of orphans and widows ... it's right out there, in black and white, no hidden meanings. But how many of us do?
How about this one ....
Matthew 25:31-46
“When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his glorious throne. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.
“Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’
“Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’
“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’
“Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’
“They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’
“He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’
“Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.”
This is scarey stuff. But I didn't say it ... God did. Why then, does there seem to be only a few families scattered here and there who have a heart for the orphan? And when we talk to other Christians, most folks, their eyes just glaze over .... like we are speaking a different language .... they don't get it ... They are thinking about where to go out to lunch after church.
My heart is heavy ....
Friday, January 14, 2011
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Why Ethiopia?
This video was posted by a friend on Facebook. I thought they did a great job on answering the question many of us hear, when we say we are adopting from Ethiopia. "Why Ethiopia? Why not from the United States."
At first you see the history of Ethiopia which might not answer your question ... but keep watching ...
At first you see the history of Ethiopia which might not answer your question ... but keep watching ...
Friday, January 7, 2011
Melkam Ganna - It's Christmas in Ethiopia!
Hi all, a few folks have ask me for the recipes I used for today's Ethiopian feast. They each were very easy, the only thing I did wrong was try to make them all in one day in 3 hours time!!! I found these online so I will just post the links to the websites.
I made fresh Berbere Paste to use in the other recipes:
http://www.whats4eats.com/sauces/berbere-recipe
I did replace the chiles with Paprika as the recipe suggested ...
... tasted great to me and the kids!
Niter Kibbeh - Spiced Clarified Butter for the recipes:
http://www.whats4eats.com/sauces/niter-kibbeh-recipe
Doro Wat - Spicy Chicken Stew
http://www.whats4eats.com/poultry/doro-wat-recipe
I recommend doubling the chicken for a big family.
(We have 8 people so I tripled it.)
Beef Tibs - Sauted Beef & Vegetables
http://recipes.sparkpeople.com/recipe-detail.asp?recipe=466545
I would say this would have been better to put in a slow cooker after sauteing to get the meat really soft.
Quick Injera:
http://www.whats4eats.com/breads/injera-quick-recipe
I would add the 2 1/2 to maybe 3 cups of the club soda, as mine came out very thick like a pancake not a crepe. I added 1 cup white flour, 1/2 cup teff flour, 1/2 cup whole wheat flour. Also I added the lemon juice right to the recipe instead of brushing it on later.
I also made White Beans, which did not want to be ready in time for the meal so we will have them for dinner. Recipe for that is 2 cups small white beans, cover it with about 6 - 8 cups hot water and soak OVERNIGHT. (I forgot to do this) Next day drain of water and recover with 6 - 8 cups hot water. Bring to a boil then simmer until beans are soft. Never add salt to any beans until the end or they will stay crunchy. I added chopped then pureed sweet onions and minced garlic, then salt, pepper and garlic salt and some of the berbere paste. Going to be VERY yummy!
All in all, the kids LOVED it and I did too. I really did not like the injera in ET but this one was OK, cause it was not so sourdoughish.
Enjoy and Melkam Ganna - Merry Ethiopian Christmas!
I made fresh Berbere Paste to use in the other recipes:
http://www.whats4eats.com/sauces/berbere-recipe
I did replace the chiles with Paprika as the recipe suggested ...
... tasted great to me and the kids!
Niter Kibbeh - Spiced Clarified Butter for the recipes:
http://www.whats4eats.com/sauces/niter-kibbeh-recipe
Doro Wat - Spicy Chicken Stew
http://www.whats4eats.com/poultry/doro-wat-recipe
I recommend doubling the chicken for a big family.
(We have 8 people so I tripled it.)
Beef Tibs - Sauted Beef & Vegetables
http://recipes.sparkpeople.com/recipe-detail.asp?recipe=466545
I would say this would have been better to put in a slow cooker after sauteing to get the meat really soft.
Quick Injera:
http://www.whats4eats.com/breads/injera-quick-recipe
I would add the 2 1/2 to maybe 3 cups of the club soda, as mine came out very thick like a pancake not a crepe. I added 1 cup white flour, 1/2 cup teff flour, 1/2 cup whole wheat flour. Also I added the lemon juice right to the recipe instead of brushing it on later.
I also made White Beans, which did not want to be ready in time for the meal so we will have them for dinner. Recipe for that is 2 cups small white beans, cover it with about 6 - 8 cups hot water and soak OVERNIGHT. (I forgot to do this) Next day drain of water and recover with 6 - 8 cups hot water. Bring to a boil then simmer until beans are soft. Never add salt to any beans until the end or they will stay crunchy. I added chopped then pureed sweet onions and minced garlic, then salt, pepper and garlic salt and some of the berbere paste. Going to be VERY yummy!
All in all, the kids LOVED it and I did too. I really did not like the injera in ET but this one was OK, cause it was not so sourdoughish.
Enjoy and Melkam Ganna - Merry Ethiopian Christmas!
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